Trevor
© 2005 By Angela F. Williams
I will always remember the summer of ‘38.
They say traumatic events in peoples lives are never forgotten. Something triggers the brain to imprint that moment forever into the memory. Even when I have grown old and helpless, I will remember this as clear as if it were yesterday.
It all happened so fast, too fast for a nine year old boy to react calmly; rationally. It's strange how little things can stick out in ones mind; little things that at the time seemed like nothing. But now as I look back I remember two things; Trevor's grin and Ma's rocking chair.
Trevor had made the chair for Ma as a Christmas present. The first Christmas we had all been together. Only a blind person would have missed the mile wide grin that stretched across Trevor's face when he showed the chair to Ma. She had stared for a long time then grabbed Trevor and squeezed him so hard I thought he would burst.
Ma never touched the rocking chair when she was mad or upset. She stayed quiet and black as a thunder cloud. And she never cried. I can't remember ever seeing Ma shed a single tear, in joy or grief. But when she was she was thinking or happy she would rock by the hour, knitting or watching the sun set in the western horizon that spread across the land in front of our porch.
No one else ever touched the chair. Somehow it seemed a sacred thing between Trevor and Ma, Not even my Pa laid a finger on it.
Pa had always treated us all the same, even though I was the only son he had from his first wife. When Pa married Martha Evans the winter of 1934, he had told me to call her Ma, and to respect her like I had my real mother. So I did. Martha already had been married as well and her son Trevor became the older brother that I had always wished I had. A year later my new Ma was pregnant, but the baby died. We buried his tiny cold body in the cemetery by the church, and then came slowly home. And Ma never cried, she sat and stared straight ahead, her jaw set.
Pa was silent and somber, Ma was cold and withdrawn. Later that summer we lost our crop, and we all scrapped and pinched to make ends meet. Then Pa slipped from the barn loft and broke his leg, and we ran up a debt at the doctor's office. Through it all Ma remained dry- eyed and sensible. The next spring Ma had twins, a boy and a girl. My half brother and sister. Ma didn't once let a tear of emotion show when she saw the two babies. But Pa was proud enough to bust, he was grinning all the while and when he finally got to hold them he touched them as if they would break.
I can still see Pa standing in the bedroom, his eyes big enough to pop out of his head. Cradling his tiny offspring in his strong sun-browned arms. I stood behind Trevor and watched quietly, a lonesome lost feeling welling up into my throat.
Suddenly I turned and ran out of the house and into the barn flinging my self into the hay loft. Bawling my eyes out and lying curled up in the corner, I vowed to run away, and waited in the barn until late that night. Half hoping that Pa would come looking for me, but he didn't. It was Trevor who finally found me and talked me into sticking around so I could see him in the baseball game he played that weekend.
The year the twins were born was when we started to save for a tractor. Pa had 160 acres he farmed, plus the animals and he said it was time he took advantage of a machine's help. So we all worked harder to save money. Summers are long and hot in Ohio, and we got a good crop that year. And for the next three years.
The spring of ‘38 Pa was elected to the head of the chamber of commerce. He came home and told Ma that we were important citizens now. He puffed out his chest and walked across the kitchen with his thumbs hooked in his jacket pockets. Ma had laughed and swatted him on the backside with her wooden spoon. Then Ma said we would celebrate that night and called Trevor to butcher two hens for fried chicken. Pa had stopped acting and hurried to change into his overalls.
That night as we all sat around the table Pa announced that the tractor would be here in the next couple of weeks, "That will be just in time for me to harrow the lower field with this new machine."
Ma poked at her chicken with her fork, "I want you to be careful Thomas don't get so excited that you forget to be."
Pa laughed and reached for the milk pitcher, "Martha, it's easy to handle as a wheelbarrow, or-"
"A wheel what Pa? What Pa?"
Gabe, kicked the leg of his chair and patted Pa's arm in his insistence to be answered.
Pa grinned, "A bucket on wheels, the kind ma uses for the garden."
Gabe nodded and shoved half a biscuit in his mouth, leaving most of the jam smeared across his face. Tessa reached over and pointed at his face, giggling and sticking out her tongue. The twins began to slap at each other and throw napkins. Ma rose to pull them apart.
"Pa, how ‘bout teaching me how to drive it?". Trevor spoke up from beside me.
Ma looked up from wiping Gabe's face, her mouth opened to speak.
But Pa beat her to it, "Maybe later, in the summer when we put in the second crop ...hey Davy don't look so down you'll be doin' it any year now."
I glared at Trevor; half angry, half jealous. At sixteen Trevor was tall sun browned and well muscled from work. His dark eyes seemed bold and fearless, his jaw strong. He was every thing I wanted to be. And I couldn't stand the thought of my father loving him more then me, sometimes it seemed it would take forever until I was grown.
I gathered up my plate and fork. "Thank you, can I go?" I muttered, staring across the room.
Pa nodded and I hurried from the kitchen. There they all were sitting in there boasting about a tractor that wasn't even here yet. I shoved my hands into my pockets and scuffed out into the yard. The grass was all flat and drying already, even though it was only April. But by the next morning it would be wet again, slippery with dew.
I squatted down in the shade of the porch and watched the sun play through the two big birch trees that stood beside the dirt road into town. Bub our brown spotted mutt came and flopped down beside me grunting as his side hit the ground.
I absently scratched his neck, watching the dust and short speckled hair cloud into the air. I scrubbed with both hands and his hind foot began to thump against the porch step.
I laughed and stood up. Bub eyed me with woeful brown eyes, still lying on his side, paws curled under him. He watched me for a moment. After he was sure no more petting was coming his way, he laid his head on the ground and sighed, settling himself for a nap.
When I went back into the house Ma was clearing up, and Trevor and Pa sat at the table still talking. Pa was holding the twins on his knees, letting them go through his pockets. I went over and sat next to Trevor, but Pa didn't seem to notice. I wanted Pa to see me I the same way he saw Trevor but it seemed like every time I tried to convince Pa that I was growing up, I did something dumb to make him think otherwise. Like the time I swallowed nearly a fist sized wad of tobacco in front of Charley Downs and Miles Henley.
Swallowing the chew hadn't been part of the plan. I had hoped to just stand there, with my thumbs hooked in my overall straps and look old and experienced but things didn't turn out that way. It was the Fourth of July and Charley and Miles were big farm boys from across town. All the men liked Charley because he could ride "anything that wore hair," and his father Michael Downs owned almost all the land south of town. So naturally his son was well treated. Miles always hung around with him and was thrown into the bunch.
So when I saw Sam Henderson the grocer sell Charley a plug of tobacco, I thought I should let them know that just because Charley could chew and get away with it didn't mean he was special.
So I said so, loud and clear. Sam just looked at me and laughed his wheezy old horse laugh. That made me even more determined to show them that I was every bit as big as Charley and Miles.
"Sell me some right now and I'll show you how I chew ‘bout near every day". I boasted as I stood with my feet wide apart in front of the sagging store counter.
Miles snorted and sliced of a hunk from his plug, handing it over to me. "There you go, sink your teeth into that. Lets see what the little man can do."
He sniggered as I took it, glancing over at Charley to see his friend's reaction. Charley smiled, his lips pinched into a thin, taunting line.
I gulped, and shoved the whole thing into my mouth. Sam Henderson leaned over the edge of the counter and watched chuckling.
Drool ran over my tongue and tried to come out the sides of my mouth, I wiped my mouth with my sleeve and bit into the tobacco. The piece was so big it bulged out the sides of my cheeks and started to slide down my throat.
Charley and Miles didn't even wait to watch the show; they just laughed and nudged each other as they walked towards the door. Just then I heard foot steps on the store porch and two figures darkened the doorway. It was Pa and Trevor. As they stepped through the door Charley and Miles moved aside, still grinning.
I took one look at Pa, and then I lost my head. I knew he would give me a hiding if he caught me chewing tobacco, so I did the quickest thing that I could do. I swallowed it. The whole thing. Pa glanced at me then back to Sam Henderson, a puzzled look crossing his face.
Then Sam said, "Seems like your little shaver thinks he's quite a man. Darned if he ain't just gone and taken to chewing behind your back".
With that, Charley guffawed and left with Miles right behind him.
Pa turned to look at me, his face dark, "What's this about Davy?" he asked in the voice he used when he expected to get the straight- up truth, and quick.
I wanted to answer- tried in fact. But it seemed right then like my insides were on fire, I could barely keep the spit from running out of my mouth and had to keep swallowing and gulping so it would stay down. I thought I was going to be sick right there.
I guess I must have looked awfully pitiful standing there in the middle of the store, yawping and gagging for breath because all Pa did then was bid Sam a curt good-afternoon, grab my shoulder and push me out the door. I felt about three years old as he dragged me to the pickup and told me to stay there until he came back.
He didn't come back for two hours. But after that he never said anything about it again. Which was alright with me because I wanted to forget that whole day forever. I felt as sick as I have ever felt in my life, except for when I had the measles.
But the worst of it was I knew that in Pa's eyes I was still a little boy.
All this ran through my head as I sat watching Pa and Trevor talk about spring plowing and the summer harvest. Then talk moved to other things. When school got out in June and how big Trevor's colt was growing, and when Ma was putting in the garden this year. Ma said she was planning on the next couple of weeks - that was when Gabe and Tessa started to ask more questions and babble about the beetle they had found the garden plot out back.
Finally Pa got up and went to sit on the front porch, Gabe and Tessa toddling behind and whining for a piggy-back ride.
While Trevor and Ma washed the dishes I took the scraps out to Bub, who looked at me like he would die from happiness when he saw the plate of table scrapings. I set the plate on the ground and stood watching him scarf it down like he hadn't had a bite to eat in weeks.
From the porch I could hear Pa telling Tessa to let go of Gabe's hair or he wouldn't finish his story. It was suddenly quiet and all I could hear was the crickets singing the sun down. Bub was done so I picked up the plate and started back towards the house, dragging my big toe in the dirt and watching ants scurry out of the way, lugging stolen crumbs from Bub's dinner in their mouths.
When I got back to the kitchen Ma and Trevor had finished the dishes, and Pa was sitting at the table reading "Farmers Review", Trevor was adding figures from our crop tally book and Ma was listening to Tessa tell her story.
Tessa told a long, made- up story every night for Ma to hear, before Ma kissed her goodnight and made her go to sleep. Sometimes these stories could be half an hour long, but Ma always sat quietly on Tessa's bed listening while she knitted or brushed Tessa's hair. Gabe would sometimes stay up to listen too, but most the time he fell asleep before they were over. Tonight it sounded like Tessa's version of Jack and the Beanstalk, but she was Jack of course.
CHAPTER 2
The school house all of us kids in town went to was old. It had been there for almost fifty years and froze in the winter and roasted in the spring.
The teachers never stayed long; maybe it was because our town was too small, or it might have been the collection of students that frequented the school.
But either way I can't remember any teacher staying more than one season, if that. That is, until Ralph Morris came to town. Trevor always said that if I didn't behave in school he would hang me by my toes from the barn rafters for a week. I didn't believe him completely but I guess I was scared just enough to never do anything against the teachers. I could watch and laugh with the others at students like Clay Randall or Harley Smith, but I wouldn't do a thing. I‘ll always remember Ralph Morris's first day at our school.
It wasn't long after Pa had been elected head of chamber of commerce, and it was about that time of year when all kids of any age want to be outside, not penned up in a rickety one roomed school house. Birdy Wilson our former teacher had left two months before the season was over that year. And actually I don't blame her, but boy was she fun to laugh at.
She was a short little widow of fifty- five. She wore her thin gray hair pulled back in a tight bun, and she had a nervous habit of always clearing her throat.
Of course it didn't take long for Clay and Harley to catch on and begin to mimic her whenever she started. She would have worked herself in to a frenzy most every time if they hadn't suddenly stopped and just sat watching her, the entire school room silent as Birdy Wilson alternated between clearing her throat and trying to reprimand the class.
Which sounded something like this... "Now class -harrumph- I- you, -hrrm- Clay you and har-harrumph- Harley cannot continue this any- ahrrm- ". And soon the whole school would begin to laugh; taunting and copying Ms. Wilson.
Clay and Harley along with some of the other boys would pull pranks on her, spending more time plotting than studying. Pa never asked much about school, and Ma was too busy with the twins to pay much attention, but I think Trevor knew all along. Trevor had quit school earlier that season to help Pa on the farm, before things had really gotten out of hand. That was just another reason why I didn't care about how things had become at school. I was mad that Trevor was allowed to leave school to work with Pa all day and I wasn't.
But the day Ralph Morris came to teach was different. All of us kids were loud and full of self importance since we had been out of school for two weeks. It had taken the school board that long to find a replacement for Birdy Wilson. And when we all filed into the school room that morning, and took our time choosing desks we thought it would be like any other school day.
I sat next to Robert Mason, a quiet tow-headed boy who sometimes traded lunches with me. Since he and his parents had moved to town about a year ago he had never really made friends with anyone. He just always followed me and some of the other boys around but never joined in.
When I looked over at him to ask him what he had brought that day he was staring over his shoulder and he looked scared. I wondered why for a moment but then as Ralph Morris stepped into the school room, I realized what had startled Robert. Ralph was a short man, with a gray brush of fuzz across his head. His dark eyes were wide set and piercing. And as he walked past me taking off his coat, I saw he was built like a bull.
I swallowed and glanced out of the corner of my eye at Clay, who sat across the aisle from me. He was staring straight ahead, but he turned for a split second toward me and drew a finger across his throat then nodded at Ralph Morris. I trained my eyes back on Ralph, and didn't move a muscle. The room had grown more quiet as Mr. Morris had stepped into the room. But when he came to stand on the platform beside his desk, it was completely silent. No one moved or whispered. The only noise that I could hear was a magpie somewhere down the street scolding at an intruder. And the rustle of cloth as Mr. Morris neatly laid his well worn coat over the back of his chair.
The clock on the wall by the world map ticked out five slow seconds, then Mr. Morris spoke. His voice was a low tuneful rumble, the kind that you could listen to for hours and never grow tired of hearing; but also one that commanded instant respect. "This is a school, ladies and gentlemen, meant for only one thing: learning. Don't ever forget that and don't ever cut it short". He looked over the room at each of us then he nodded and walked behind the desk, "Shall we begin?"
I think I learned more that day than all of the last school year, Clay and Harley didn't talk back. I don't think they even got up from their chairs once that whole day.
When I got home that night Pa asked me how I liked the new teacher, I had stared at my plate for a moment waiting for him to add something about why we had a new teacher. But when he didn't I told him that I thought Mr. Morris would be here as long he wanted to and no one could get him to leave unless he wanted to go. Pa had nodded and gone back to eating his baked potato.
Trevor glanced at me and quirked the corner of his mouth, I grinned and shrugged a shoulder, in answer to his question. He wouldn't have to worry about me making trouble, or being a part of it any more. As long as Ralph Morris was teacher at our school, there would be no one who dared to step out of line.
That spring seemed to fly by. When I wasn't at school, I was tagging around behind Trevor and Pa in the fields, or hoeing Ma's garden and running odd jobs for her.
Our flock of chickens became my special charges that year and I swear I had dreams at night about cleaning out that chicken coop. It usually took me half a Saturday to clean it out, and I winced every time I walked by.
I would get up before it was light and rush through it so I could watch Pa with his tractor. Ma scolded me every week about how I left a mess behind, But it seems like she could find dirt where there was none.
Pa had got the tractor three weeks before school let out for the summer, he had gone with Ma into town in the farm truck, and left Trevor in charge of me and the twins, I had argued that I should come to help Pa, but both Ma and Pa had told me to stop pestering them and sit quietly, I was to stay and help mind the twins.
That day was one of the longest I have ever waited out. Trevor was mending a bridle on the front porch and I was content to lay on the top step beside Bub and watch the road, but Gabe and Tessa had different ideas.
"Davy, get up and play hide an seek with us, come on Davy", Tessa pouted, pulling on my hand. Gabe sat on Bub's back , holding onto his long speckled ears and bounced till the old dog heaved a sigh and wandered under the porch.
"Davy I m thirsty," announced Gabe.
I got Gabe a drink, while Tessa followed still whining about playing a game. "You have to be nice to me I'm your only sister". Tessa stated loudly from the kitchen chair she was sitting on. Gabe glared at her over the top of his cup, "Naw, we don't." Trevor hollered from his seat on the front porch for Gabe and Tessa to behave. And I wandered back out side, hoping the twins would find something to do inside, but they were right behind me.
I think I played about twenty games of hide and seek that afternoon. Tessa, cried every time she lost so Gabe and I started to let her win every time after awhile. Pa had always made us boys treat girls right, didn't matter who they were or how old. So I let Tessa have her way. Trevor saw what was happening but he didn't say anything, he just grinned and watched me run my hind end off trying to keep the game fun for the twins.
Finally about dinner time I saw dust coming up the lane from town. I hollered to the twins and we all ran to stand on the porch railing, shading our eyes against the sun trying to catch sight of the tractor. Tessa whined that she couldn't see and Trevor hoisted her to his shoulders from where he stood on the top porch step. We all watched as Ma - driving the farm truck, then Pa perched on the tractor - rolled into the barnyard.
Pa was grinning and trying to look like he had handled a tractor all his life, Ma was laughing and playfully complaining about how slow she had driven all the way back from town, and Trevor was looking over the engine, while Tessa and Gabe ran around in circles squealing and shouting, just because every one else was happy.
I stood next to Pa's foot that was resting in the step up into the seat, watching his fingers on the steering wheel of his brand new bright green John Deere tractor.
CHAPTER 3
Pa always told us that every lazy man was a poor man, I think that we were headed towards heaps of riches the next few months, there was never a spare minute. School was out and Ma found thousands of chores just right for a boy my size to do.>The fourth of July came and passed, I couldn't help but remember the year before, and I stuck close to Ma and Pa, hoping that they would notice the difference. Pa never said anything but several times that day he laid his hand on my shoulder and squeezed real quick and let go. Pa wasn't a man to give praise or affection away lightly, and I read a lot into those few gestures.
Trevor entered his colt in the horse race. He came in third, but I think he, Pa, and half the female population were as proud as if it had been first with honors. Trevor had always been a favorite with the girls, and what was more puzzling to me was that he never did anything (that I could see) to make them like him. I guess it was just because he was older, another reason why I wished I was grownup, and that it didn't take so long to get there.
After the Fourth things still didn't slow down a bit. Ma was canning for the winter and Pa was plowing the lower field over before fall, while he tried to harvest the upper field and get the hay in.
One night at dinner, Ma suggested that he hire some help. "With what Martha?" Pa had asked as he bunched his napkin in his hand. "We don't have any extra money. We're okay now, but there's none left over."
Ma sighed ad handed Gabe his sliced meat, "I know I just don't want you and Trevor working yourselves to death and wasting the crop."
I glanced down the table a Pa, who was stirring his tea with a slight frown on his face. His dark blond hair was tinning on the sides, and I suddenly wondered what he would look like with gray hair. But I looked away before I could finish the mental picture, quickly grabbing a piece of bread and starting to butter it. I didn't want to think of Pa getting old, I didn't want anything to change. Except for me; I wanted to grow up so I could do a man's work along side Pa.
That fall we were hit with the most crows anyone had seen around our parts for years. They flocked all over the farm, stripping what was left of Ma's late garden plants and gathered in the last field to be harvest like a dark cloud. Pa gave me his twenty-two rifle to carry, and let me shoot as many crows as I could. Ma said as soon I was done for the day I would have to do my chores, but she didn't realize that my day of roaming the fields and shooting crows did not end till dark, so I usually got out of doing them. Which was alright with me.
Pa and Trevor being so tight for time and with hardly any help were rushing through what was left to do. From before the sun rose till long after the sun had gone down each night they were out, bringing the last of the crop and the hay. One morning, after we had eaten breakfast and Pa and Trevor and me were getting ready to thresh out a load of wheat, Pa found a broken part on the thresher and had to run into town in the old truck. He rattled out of the yard, yelling for Trevor to plow in the lower field while he was gone. I had asked Pa if I could go with him but he had just shook his head and said that this was going to be a fast trip, since we were already losing a lot of time today.
Trevor had to use the manure spreader behind the tractor, so the field would be well worked over for early next spring. I wandered over to where Trevor was hooking it up to the back of the tractor. "Trevor can I plow with you? I‘ll bring my .22 so I'll be doing some thing to till Pa gets back". I didn't think Trevor would agree, but he just shrugged and grinned at me standing there with my gun tucked under my arm. "Fine, but you better leave the gun behind, I don't want you falling off the seat and shooting your foot off."
I stashed my gun in the barn and clambered up behind Trevor, and we drove out of the barn yard towards the lower field. The manure spreader was already full from Pa cleaning out the cow pen the other night, so we didn't have to stop and load it up this time. I had only plowed with Trevor one other time and we had spent an hour in the corrals loading cow manure into the spreader before we could leave. I never had liked the smell of cows.
It was still pretty hot for September and about three rows later I wished I had brought a jug of water with us from the house. The crows were circling around over the upper field and settling in black knots all over the hillside. I bit my lip and scowled at the huge rusty colored birds, I hated their dark eyes and long sharp beaks. I pointed my finger at them and made banging noises, squinting down my arm. Trevor laughed from in front of me, "Wish it were that easy."
"Maybe there's some kind of poison or something that kills them, you should invent it Trevor then we really would be rich," Trevor snorted, "I can't see that happening." We both fell silent and turned to look back at the flocks of crows.
Suddenly the tractor's engine sputtered, caught sputtered again and died. Trevor tried to start it up again but it wouldn't move. He pumped it again and it started slowly, protesting and making a loud creaking groan as it ran, but it didn't die. Trevor climbed out and opened the hood over the engine.
I sat on the seat watching, and swinging my feet. After a while he crawled under the tractor and I couldn't see anything except his legs. I looked back to the crows, I remembered Ma saying the other night that she wished they tasted better and she would cook them like chicken. I ran my tongue over my teeth, trying to imagine eating a scrawny crow drumstick. It sounded bad.
I looked down at my feet, there was a blood blister on one toe where I had dropped an oil can on it. I looked back to Trevor, he was talking angrily to himself, or the tractor- I couldn't hear which. I saw him reach down to his pocket and pull out a wrench. I leaned over the seat, talking above the noise of the chugging tractor, "Did you break it for good Trevor?"
"No". Trevor answered from the ground. "Hand me the smaller wrench from the tool box."
I twisted around, leaning back over the seat to reach the little metal tool box Pa kept strapped there. I had braced my foot on the seat to push my self, but suddenly it slipped and hit a pedal under the steering wheel of the tractor.
The tractor lurched forwards, and I grabbed the back of the seat to steady myself. A strange gasping scream reached my ears above the droning of the engine. Dropping the wrench to the ground. I whirled around, and leaned over the side to stare at the foot and a half the wheels of the tractor had rolled. And I couldn't move. I literally couldn't move a muscle I was paralyzed in my crouched position on the seat of the tractor.
The left front wheel of the tractor was sitting nearly in the middle of Trevor's chest. Blood was coming out of his mouth in big red bubbles. And his eyes were like nothing I had ever seen, they were so wide and staring. I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.
"Davy!! Dave pull the shift stick....NOW!". It came out in a shriek, Trevor's hands were twitching, clawing into the ground. But his eyes bored holes into me, they were screaming at me.
I couldn't move.
"Davy.... When you– don't forget. ...DAVY!!"
All I could remember was that the last time I had touched anything, the tractor had rolled. I was sure that if I did anything now; it would hurt Trevor more. I couldn't touch the stick, I couldn't make my body move.
Trevor was gasping now, deep watery breaths, and his eyes still watched me. His hands had stopped moving, one laying with torn grass and dirt clutched inside his curled fingers. From somewhere deep inside me a hot wave rose and exploded from my mouth. I stared at the bile on the ground, and dribbling from my mouth. Then I ran.
I pounded down the lane my breath ragged in my throat. I tore into the yard and was about the lunge up the porch steps when I heard the familiar rattle of the truck coming up the road. I turned from the porch and raced towards the road. Pa was driving through the gate when he saw me charging towards him and he slowed the truck, leaning out the window; his face puzzled.
He stopped the truck as I stumbled up. I couldn't seem to make my legs work, and I missed a step nearly falling on my face. Pa shoved open the truck door and jumped out, without shutting it behind him. He took two running steps towards me and grabbed the back of my overall straps.
Davy! What's wrong?"
I looked up into Pa's face and my mouth moved. But nothing came out. My throat wouldn't seem to let the sound come. Pa stared back at me for a split second and I saw beads of sweat glistening on his forehead and that mornings blond stubble bristling as his jaw muscles tightened. Then he set me down without a word and ran towards the path that led to the lower field.
I stood for a moment staring dumbly after Pa. I felt tingly all over and thought I would fall over. I looked down at my feet, they seemed a long ways off. Then they started running, and I was jogging after Pa, feeling wet, hot tears run down my face. I could see Pa's back disappearing over the hill, I wanted to call to him , to tell him to wait. But he was too far away.
When I reached the gate I stopped to catch my breath and stood squinting down the field. I saw Pa leap into the seat of the tractor and roll It back. Then he jumped down and disappeared from my view. I knew what he was doing just then and I stood watching for a moment. Then I crept forwards, straining to listen. But all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears. I was half way to Pa when I saw him stand up and lean against the side of the tractor. I couldn't see Trevor. I closed my eyes and all I saw was red. Then I turned and ran towards the house.
Ma was standing on the porch, a wicker basket of laundry on her hip. She saw me and looked towards Pa's truck shading her eyes, "Where'd your Pa go? He said he would bring me some flour from town!"
I looked at Ma then pointed towards the field. Ma glared at me and said, "Speak to your Ma when she talks to you, Davy". I opened my mouth, but suddenly my eyes started burning and I gulped to keep my voice steady.
"Answer me, Davy".
I stared hard at the dusty, chicken scratched ground and tried to tell Ma what had happened. But my words tumbling out of my mouth in a jumbled stream. I heard a voice babbling, high and raspy. And I realized it was mine. I stopped and looked at Ma and the twins who stood watching me as if I had gone mad.
Suddenly Ma turned away from me and stared at the path from the lower field. Then with out a word to me she dropped her basket and ran off the porch and across the yard. I didn't even turn to watch her. I knew where she was going. And I could hear her footsteps pounding down the hard beaten dirt of the path that led to the field. I stared at the laundry basket as it rolled slowly off the steps, spilling white clothes into the dusty yard. Then I looked up at the twins. They were looking down towards the field, watching the path. I stood with them, waiting.
It seemed like hours later, when I finally saw Ma and Pa's heads come along the path. Pa was walking slowly towards the house. In his arms he was carrying the crumpled form of Trevor. I stared, Trevor suddenly looked so small and still. I reached for the side of the porch and glanced towards Ma, I took one look at her face and turned and ran into the house.
I slumped onto a kitchen chair, burying my head in my arms on the table. I could feel tears coming hot and fast, running down my cheeks. But I couldn't stop crying.
Suddenly Pa came through the door followed by Ma and the twins. Ma was staring at Pa with a blank white look on her face.
Pa crossed to the sink and pumped the handle, holding his hands under the stream of water, watching it run over and over his palms. I stared at his hands, they were covered with red clotted mud. And red rivulets ran down his wrists and fingers. Blood.
I looked away towards Ma, she was standing against the table gripping the corner with both her hands, her fingers white and strained. "Thomas, what happened?"
I had never heard Ma's voice like that, it was hard and hollow sounding. Even the twins could hear it and stood beside each other, silent and wide eyed.
Pa was still looking at his hands. Finally he spoke, his voice low and husky in his throat, "The tractor..."
"Thomas!", Ma said, her lips thin and tight.
"The tractor rolled over him". Pa blinked and stared at his hands, slowly popping his knuckles one by one under the water.
I grabbed the seat of my chair, I couldn't look away from Pa. The water running over his sunburnt hands. My chest felt hot and tight, I tried to swallow but my tongue wouldn't move. I gagged and tightened my grip on the chair.
Ma looked at Pa for a long moment . Her eyes never changed, but I could see the veins in her slender neck quivering. Then suddenly she turned and half ran back out side again.
Pa was still watching the water splash over his hands. Gabe and Tessa whimpered and ran to hug his legs. "Pa what's wrong with Trevor?, Pa why?"
Suddenly, Pa kinda jumped and turned to look at me, pulling the twins off his legs. "Davy, what happened?". I looked at the floor wishing a crack would open and I could fall through.
"Pa, I-"
Pa's eyes bored holes into me, I felt like a beetle being skewered by a hungry crow.
"The tractor ....." I took a deep breath, I bit my lip and stared hard at a knot on the wood floor.
"Davy". It rolled Pa, on him- on him! I saw blood, he screamed I couldn't do anything about the blood. It was all over the tractor wheel, Pa, I-"
It seemed like once I had broke the dam holding back my fear, I couldn't stop. Everything just came flowing over. My head felt hot and heavy and I wanted a drink of water. But the sink suddenly seemed very far away.
Everything was so quiet it was buzzing in my ears. Even the twins were still. Suddenly Pa turned and walked out to stand on the porch. I glanced at his back and saw him leaning against the porch rail, looking down towards the lower field. After a moment I heard his footsteps come down off the porch and go across the yard. The twins came over to me and started to whine, their voice's high and shrill. I pushed them away and ran to the barn. I crept into the hay loft and curled into a ball in the corner. I didn't want to think or do anything, I just wanted to lay there and forget, to close my eyes and see only the soft darkness.
It was hours later When I finally got so thirsty that I had to come down from the loft, the house was still quite, but Pa's truck was gone. And the sun was setting in a thin blanket of red clouds. I turned my face away and walked slowly towards the house.
Chapter 4
The next few weeks passed in a blur, I don't remember hardly anything. But I think it was better that way. I don't think I would have been able to bear it if I had realized in full, what I had done. I knew that Trevor was dead, and I blamed myself, but some part of me seemed to think that any minute he would come walking up the drive, his hat pushed back on his head, with his grin you could see from a hundred yards away. And somewhere in my head I held on to that. Even though in reality I didn't truly believe it.
We had the funeral two days later, Ma never spoke to me once. She stood with the twins, her head bowed and her eyes dry. After that she walked around the house with her mouth in a tight line. Pa kept me with him as much as he could, as he went to town and out in the fields. He never moved the tractor though. Our neighbor came over one morning and finished harrowing the lower field and parked the tractor over at his farm. I think Pa had asked him to so it wouldn't unsettle Ma to see it again so soon.
When I was home, which usually wasn't till late at night, Ma would still see to it that I did all my other chores. But I was almost glad I had so much work to do, because by the time I got to bed at night I was so tired and sore I would go to sleep faster, and I would dream less. I was terrified of my nightmares, but I never told anyone. Pa didn't talk much to me and Ma did only when she had to.
I knew Pa was in between us, he wanted to comfort me, I could see it. But Ma kept him from it. He wanted to be there for her to and since she was so bitter towards me he didn't say what he wanted to.
I spent all my time with Pa, he didn't say anything about school, so I didn't go back that fall. It made me feel better that I was working with Pa as Trevor had done. But I could see that I didn't do as good a job. Only Trevor could have helped Pa the way he really needed it, they had been a team. I saw myself as just a tagalong.
I'll never forget the time Pa and me went into to town one morning. Pa had needed to get some feed for the cows and groceries for Ma. We drove the pickup, and Pa parked the truck by the hardware store then we both went in. I sniffed the smell of glue, rubber and fresh cut wood. While I walked up and down the isles fingering the bright, new screws and testing the strength of the rope coils with my eye, wondering how much they would hold. Pa was taking a long time ordering in some tools. So after a while I wandered down to the grocery store. Fingering ten cents I had been saving for a few months. I didn't really have any thing in mind when I walked to the store, at least until I saw the new display in the window. Then I knew exactly what I wanted.
Ma had a light blue lawn dress with a delicate lace collar that she loved, and only wore on Sundays or for special occasions. But she always said how she needed to make a knitted lace handkerchief to go with it some day. But it seemed every time we had any extra money Ma insisted on spending it on clothes for the twins or some one else in the family. So she still didn't have it.
The one in the window matched her dress exactly. It looked like it had been made for her. Even I a nine year -old- boy could see that. I stood with my hands in my pocket fingering my ten cent piece and wondering how much it cost. After a moment I slipped into the store and timidly walked up to the counter. Old man Henderson was sitting on his creaky stool and reading the paper, his smudged gold rimmed glasses barely perched on his nose. I stood looking over the counter for a second before I finally asked him how much it was, Sam glanced up at me, and then without moving form his stool, answered, "Eight cent," And sat looking at me over his glasses. I nodded and went to the window. I picked up the hanky afraid I would tear it and took it back to the counter. It felt like the underside of Bub's ears. It was silky soft and clean feeling.
Sam Henderson took the hanky and stuffed it into a paper bag, still staring at me as I slid my ten cense across the counter. He took the money, pinched it, then leaned forwards and in his gasping sort of voice, he asked, "Aren't you the one who had a boy killed out on yer place? Was yer brother, right? A shame, damn shame I say."
I jumped and staring into Sam's watery gray eyes, then I grabbed my bag and ran from the store. I left my change lying on the counter because later I remembered I had two cents coming back to me. But it didn't matter.
I met Pa coming out of the hardware store, and told him I would wait in the truck, then I climbed up into the seat and sat curled up against the door, watching my finger trace a circle over and over in the rough seat cover.
Pa didn't say anything when he came out of the store, and we drove home without a word. When we pulled into the yard, a strange sleek gray car was parked by the house and Ma was sitting on the porch with two men. Pa glanced at me then quickly got out of the truck, I slipped out and stood, while he strode up to the porch, Ma and the men got up and Pa shook hands. I couldn't hear what they were saying so I came to stand beside Pa.
The older of the two men was talking to Pa, his large white teeth flashing. His gray hair was neatly trimmed like his mustache and he wore a tailored black suit.
"Yessir, I been all over this area but you're the first I've come to in this town, heard you had some fine grade wheat to sell". Pa glanced over my head at Ma and then he nodded, "Yes I do, just put up and ready to go". The man smiled and nodded his head once or twice, then he looked over at his partner and nodded again. "Looks like we need to talk business."
Ma‘s eyes crinkled at the corners like they did when she was sort of nervous but wanted to smile, "Why don't you men take your time looking over the crop, while I put the rest of the food on, then Mr. Platt and Mr. Gregory would you stay for supper?"
Mr. Platt the gray haired man nodded once again and grinned with his large teeth, "Yes ma'am, we would love to."
Pa jerked his thumb towards the barn, "This way, gentlemen". And the three men headed towards the barn. I started after them but Ma yanked me back by my overall straps and said sharply, "Stay here Davy, those wheat buyers are serious and the last thing your Pa needs is a distraction".
I shoved my hands into my pockets and moved to go up the porch steps but Ma stopped me and said to get her green beans from the garden, and to ‘move it along'. I hurried out to the garden, wishing I could watch Pa and the wheat buyers. Last year I remembered Trevor and me standing by Pa and watching the wheat buyer running the wheat kernels through his hands, and crushing them and blowing the chaff over and over. And then we had all sat on the porch and ate pie and custard while Pa and him haggled over prices. Every thing had been different then.
The wheat buyers didn't leave till long after dinner. After they had gone back out to the barn, but finally they drove away. Ma sank down onto a kitchen chair and told me to finish the dishes. I asked her if I could go ask Pa about the wheat first but she told me to mind my own business and then she got up and went outside. I tried to be angry at Ma while I watched the dishpan fill up, but I couldn't. I didn't feel anything, really, I knew why Ma was did what she did. Sometimes I saw a look in her eyes that reminded me of Bub when you scolded him and he didn't understand why. He would run and creep under the porch, his tail between his legs. And he wouldn't come out for hours.
When Pa and Ma finally came inside, Pa was smiling and Ma was quiet but she didn't look mad anymore. But I still didn't ask how much we had been paid for the crop. I took scraps out to Bub and closed the chicken house door. Than I went to wash my feet before getting in bed. As I passed Pa at the table, adding figures. He said without looking up, ‘We'll have a good winter this year Davy". I smiled and went to my room.
Trevor and I had shared a room ever since we all had become a family. Now my room seemed empty and huge. I slept curled in one corner of my bed, staring at the long crack in the paint on the wall. It started at the foot of my bed and climbed past me, up to the ceiling. I hated being in my room during the day when it was light, I could see to much. So I always came and left when it was still dark. I didn't want to be able to look at everything that reminded me so bluntly that Trevor was gone.
It took me a long time that night to fall asleep, the excitement about the wheat buyers and my day in town kept me awake. When I finally did drift off, Ma and Pa had been in bed for hours.
I don't remember what I dreamt about that night, all I remember was jerking awake to a ringing stillness. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears. I was shaking and the sheets were wrapped around my waist. Suddenly I wanted to run to Pa, like Gabe when he had a bad dream and wanted to sleep with Ma and Pa.
I pulled myself up into a ball sitting with my back against my pillow. I stared into the semi darkness trying to catch a sound of Pa snoring. But everything was quiet. I felt like I was the only one in the house. I looked towards the window and guessed it was nearly five o'clock in the morning. I could just make out the form of Trevor empty bed, the pillow and blankets were gone. There was only a bare mattress.
Chapter 5
The next morning Pa went into town to put our money in the bank and help round up some haulers for our wheat.
Ma started her weekly wash, and ordered me in a yell from the back porch to get all my clothes that I wasn't wearing and give them to her. I did, and grabbed Gabe's too. Ma took them from me and dumped them in her wash tub. I watched all my clothes sink into the water and wondered why I couldn't just wear one pair of overalls till it was rags then move on to the next. Without ever washing them, it would be so much easier. But I didn't think saying that to Ma would be very safe. So I hurried off to clean out the garden of all the plant stems and extra mulch from that summer.
Gabe and Tessa wanted to help me, so I gave them rakes and made them comb over what I had already cleaned. That way they couldn't spread more around. They thought they were doing a lot, but spent most their time fighting over whose rake was bigger, or who had found the most worms. The afternoon passed slowly.
The garden was nearly done and I was inching past the back porch with a full load while I listened drowsily to the swishing of Ma's washing and a magpie scolding somewhere by the barn, when suddenly Ma stopped rubbing the clothes across the wash board. And I couldn't hear anything, but I felt her staring at me. I didn't stop, but I was about to glance over my shoulder when all of the sudden she started again, but very slowly.
I didn't turn around but hurried towards the barn as fast as I could. I quickly dumped the mulch next to the barn and went back to the garden around the other side of the house, hoping Ma wouldn't say anything to me. As I crept past with the wheelbarrow, I looked real quick over towards the porch, Ma was hanging Pa's and mine overalls on the line. and I saw the ones closet to me were the same pair that I had worn yesterday to town. I gulped and jerked me head back around to stare at the wheel barrow, I realized why Ma had stopped washing all of the sudden. She had found the paper bag with the lace hanky in it. Then I remembered that I had stuffed it in the front pocket of my overalls, and had forgotten all about it because of the wheat buyers.
A dozen wild ideas popped into my head right then, of what I would say to Ma. But none of them sounded right. This was not how I had wanted her to find out. For second I wondered if she would be mad because I had been hiding it from her, but then I had bought it so
she couldn't very well be angry about that. I was almost ready to run up to the porch and explain everything to Ma when I heard the truck rattle in to the yard and a moment later Pa came around the side of the house. "Davy! I need your helping bringing in a calf. I saw the black one on the way in and she's got a something wrong with her back leg. Hurry!"
I forgot all about the hanky and Ma, and dropping my shovel I ran to catch up with Pa who was already striding towards the barn.
The little black calf and her bellowing mother seemed think that they needed to stay right where they were. It took Pa and me nearly an hour to herd them into a separate pen by them selves and then even longer to doctor the calf's leg. Her hind leg was bloody and swollen, cut by the fence Pa said. I guess I wasn't much help to Pa in holding the frantic calf. That's probably why it took so long; I couldn't stop staring at the torn bleeding flesh on the tiny calf's leg. And every time Pa touched it she jumped and bawled so loud and scared, that I jumped and loosened my hold on her rope. Pa never said anything but I could tell he was frustrated with me. Finally we were done and hurried to wash up for dinner.
When we got inside, there were two plates of food warmed over on the stove. Ma had already fed the twins and was in their room listening to Tessa's story while she folded Gabe's socks and underwear.
Pa took his plate and went to sit down at the table. I hurried to my room to change my shirt, after I saw the blood and dirt the smeared on the front of it. The twins' door was opened and as I came down the hall I could here Tessa's voice, she was coming to the end of her story. You could always tell by how she sounded if it was the end or not because she got quieter and all her words were drawn out. I heard her say something about Bub flying then she said, -" And then after we all got there it stopped raining and I died."
I pulled my clean shirt over my head and started towards the door, I could hear Pa's fork scraping against his plate and a snapping rustle as he straightened out a magazine page.
"Tessa," Ma said quietly, "thats not a very nice ending".
"Why'd you die? You couldn't die, how you do it?" Gabe said indignantly from his bed.
"Davy killed me" Tessa replied.
I stopped short and backed into my room. Everything was quiet for a second then I heard Ma get up real fast and drop something to the floor. "That is enough, you two. Goodnight". Then she came out of the twins room shut the door and hurried down the hall way. I didn't wait to see what she would do, or go say to Pa. I shut my door and ran to my bed. In the shadows of the setting sun coming through my bedroom room window, I reached for my blanket and pulled it up over my shoulders. I looked down and saw my hands were shaking. I clenched them into fists and squeezed my eyes shut. I could feel the tears coming up and choking me. I ducked my head down between my knees and closed them over my ears.
I don't remember how long I sat like that, but it was dark when I lifted my head again. A thin red wail had exploded in my head, and I jumped as I woke up. I shivered and stared out the window. I could hear the house creaking and sighing like it did when everyone was in bed. And somewhere out in the field I heard a cow bawl once, low in her throat. Then everything was quiet again. I was about to lay down and try to go back to sleep when suddenly I heard a sound from somewhere in the front of the house. I bit my lip and half rose to my knees, feeling very alone and wondering if I would get thrashed if I ran to Pa now. I tasted blood on my tongue from my lip, and stared wide eyed out the window. But after I listened for a moment, my heart slowed again. It sounded like some one crying. In deep, slow sobs.
I inched off my bed and tiptoed to my door. Easing it opened I crept out into the kitchen. The front door was opened and I could hear a creaking sound on the porch. Holding my breath and keeping my hands doubled up in fists I walked slowly to the door and peeked around the corner. And stared.
There was Ma, sitting in her rocking chair, holding my lace hanky scrunched up in her hand, next to her face. Her head was bent and her shoulders were shaking. I couldn't move, not even to run back to my room.
I must have made a noise because all of the sudden she glanced up and saw me. She looked at me, tears rolling down her cheeks. I didn't move, I couldn't think of anything to do. But then Ma reached out a hand towards me, and I didn't wait a second. I ran and buried my head in her shoulder. And we sat that way for a long time, as Ma's tears fell down on my head and neck.
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